


learn to love again

by artsyleo



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Ben Mitchell Loves Callum "Halfway" Highway, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Light Angst, M/M, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 13:22:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30140208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: They’ve talked about him plenty, and Ben knows the story now - of the man that Callum’s lost, his Paul. It makes his chest ache, because Ben knows what that pain is like and he wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It’s a different story, of course, but it’s also the same in so many ways because he’d been hiding too, with Paul. They’ve found each other now, and that’s healed over most of the wounds but the scars still lie, and Ben knows that Callum’s still learning to accept his.-callum highway week day 1 - "I still think about him."
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 10
Kudos: 46





	learn to love again

**Author's Note:**

> tw/cw for talk of grief, death and past love

Ben finds him downstairs alone one night. He’d woken up alone, stretching out only to find empty sheets and a cooling space next to him. He waits a couple of minutes, desperately hoping that Callum will reappear because escaping the bed feels like too much work right now, when all he wants to do is hold his fiance close to him, and fall back to blissful sleep in his arms. But he doesn’t appear, no matter how much Ben watches the door and prays for it. He connects his implant after a minute, but there’s no clue in the silence of the flat, so Ben pulls the covers back and the cold of the room hits him instantly. The things he does for Callum, honestly. 

(Not that it’s a hardship, really - because Ben would do anything for the other man if asked. He supposes that’s what love is, really.)

Luckily, Ben’s favourite hoodie - the grey one of Callum’s,  _ of course -  _ hangs on the hook on the back of the door, so he grabs it down and throws it around himself. It’s a comfort straight away, because he remembers Callum wearing it yesterday so it still smells so strongly of him. It distracts him for a minute, just burying his nose in the soft material of it and it’s stupidly romantic, but he’s alone and too tired to be embarrassed. He’s in love, okay? And it’s a nice thing to feel, especially after all these years. 

Ben throws on the hoodie and pulls open their bedroom door, to an even colder flat. He can see the door to the bathroom wide open with the light off, so the first place he can think to go is Lexi’s room. He often finds Callum there, if Lexi’s had a nightmare or can’t sleep in the middle of the night. Callum’s a much lighter sleeper than he is, especially with his hearing so he often takes care of her in the night, unless she asks for him specifically. At first it had been hard - stupid feelings of jealousy hiding the real truth, this burning feeling of never being good enough - but they’d talked it through, and really Callum with Lexi is one of his favourite things to see. 

Lexi’s door creaks a little when he pushes it open, and the room’s dark behind it apart from her night light. Ben steps in and finds her fast asleep on her own, with the reindeer that Callum had bought her what feels like so long ago now held tight to her chest. It’s one of her favourites, and whether that’s because she  _ actually  _ likes it or just because Callum bought it for her he’s still not entirely sure.

Either way Callum isn’t there, so he presses a small kiss to her forehead and walks back over to the door, pulling it shut behind him. The only other place he can think he’d find the other man is downstairs, if he couldn’t sleep and decided to leave Ben in peace to read or watch one of his superhero films on the TV. 

Little threads of worry start to wrap around his chest, because this is also what Callum does when he has a nightmare. 

Ben knows that, as much as he’s desperate to persuade him otherwise, Callum still carries this shame about having them. He’s gotten better at waking Ben up if he needs him and that’s a relief, but there’s still some times when he’ll hide himself away instead because he thinks it’s easier. 

Socked feet step down the stairs carefully - partially because the last thing he wants to do is disturb Callum by falling down the stairs - and a little bit of light starts to filter in, probably from the lamp in the corner of the room. He can just about hear the sound of something playing low on the TV too, meaning that Callum’s most likely in there. 

When he steps into the room, he finds Callum curled into himself a little on the sofa. The blanket that he knows the other man likes is thrown over him and his hair is messed up, both from sleep and probably from running his hands through it. He doesn’t notice Ben straight away, probably from the way he’s watching the movie in front of him so intently. 

“Hey,” Ben calls instead, voice low enough that he hopefully won’t startle the other man. Callum looks around to him and it doesn’t look like he’s been crying, which is a relief. 

“Hey, darlin’,” Callum smiles back. “You okay? Did- did I wake you up?” 

“Nah, just woke up alone and missed ya,” Ben replies, collapsing onto the sofa next to him. They shift immediately - Callum opens his arm and lifts the blanket from his lap and Ben slides in, so that he’s pressed into the other man’s side and covered by the blanket. It’s an automatic thing, just this instinctive need to be close to each other and it makes something soft and fuzzy bloom in Ben’s chest. He turns his head once he’s settled, so that he can watch Callum’s face. “What you watching?”

Callum smirks a little and turns to look at Ben. “ _ Captain America.  _ And no, I ain’t just watching it ‘cause of Chris Evans, unlike you.” 

“Yeah, yeah, alright,” Ben laughs. “I know you like Robert Downey Junior more anyways. The cocky persona really does it for you, don’t it babe?” 

“Oh piss off,” he laughs, and holds Ben closer instead. Things go quiet for a minute, the movie just playing behind them. 

“You okay?” Ben asks eventually. “Woke up and you weren’t there.” 

Callum sighs. The little smile slips from his face and Ben mourns it straight away. “Yeah, just- woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep.” 

The way he says it catches Ben’s attention, and he turns to watch Callum again. “Nightmare?”

“Not- no, not really, just- a weird dream. About army stuff,” Callum replies. The hand that’s fallen around Ben’s shoulders starts to stroke gently over his arm, through Callum’s hoodie. 

“You wanna talk about it?” Ben says. 

“You don’t mind?” 

“Of course not, babe,” he replies, a hand slipping over Callum’s knee under the blanket and stroking over bare skin carefully. “Whatever you wanna talk about, I don’t mind.” 

“Thank you,” Callum smiles, before leaning down to press a gentle kiss against Ben’s lips and he gets lost in it for a second, like he always does when his fiance kisses him. He pulls away and Callum’s eyes just watch him for a second, before he turns back to the movie with a sigh. “It’s just- Chris. I still think about him. Is that weird?”

(They’ve talked about him plenty, and Ben knows the story now - of the man that Callum’s lost, his  _ Paul. _ It makes his chest ache, because Ben knows what that pain is like and he wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It’s a different story, of course, but it’s also the same in so many ways because he’d been hiding too, with Paul. They’ve found each other now, and that’s healed over most of the wounds but the scars still lie, and Ben knows that Callum’s still learning to accept his.)

“Of course it ain’t,” Ben replies. “He was a big part of your life, Cal. You don’t have to forget about him just because your life has moved on, no one would expect that of you- least of all me.” 

“It’s just- I’m happy. I love you, and and I’m gonna marry you, and I’m finally happy with where I am,” he starts, and the thought that Ben is a part of him finding that happiness creates a feeling that Ben nevers wants to forget- one that could paper over all the thoughts of  _ not good enough,  _ just by being loved this much by one man. “And I still think about what he would think of me now.”

“He’d be proud,” Ben says, and it’s without hesitation. He didn’t know Chris, of course, but the stories that Callum’s told him are enough. He’s not sure how anyone could be anything but proud about how far Callum’s come, even just in the time that Ben’s known him. “Babe, he’d be so  _ proud.  _ Look at how far you’ve come.” 

“I just wish I’d told him, you know?” Callum whispers, and Ben only catches it because he’s watching the other man so intently. 

“You weren’t ready, Cal. That’s not your fault, and he would never have blamed you for it.”

“Still though. The kind of things he wrote in those letters- all that stuff he told his sister about, and I couldn’t even write to him,” Callum says and his eyes fall down to his lap, where the hand that’s not around Ben fiddles with a loose thread on the blanket. Ben’s hand comes up to take it, and their fingers link together almost on instinct. 

“I get the same about Paul sometimes,” he says. Talking about Paul like this is still painful, like remembering old wounds but it feels easier like this, when he’s got Callum by his side. “I wish I could have given him more, you know? But, Cal- the thing is, I know now that he never really blamed me. I know that he’d be proud of me, for moving on. For finding you, because you are perfect for me like no one else ever will be. And I’m sure Chris would feel the same about you. He’d  _ want  _ you to move on. He’d want you to be proud, and you  _ are,  _ and that’s the best thing either of us can do for their memories, yeah? Be  _ proud _ .”

A stray tear curls it’s way out of the corner of Callum’s eye, and traces its way down his cheek. Ben kisses it away gently because he  _ hates  _ to see the other man cry. They’re not sad tears though - not entirely - and he knows that. 

“Thank you,” Callum whispers a second later, turning to look at Ben again and their eyes meet, and there’s so much Ben can see in the other man’s eyes but the only thing that he needs is the pure love that lies there, clear as anything. “Thank you, Ben.” 

“Hey, you don’t need to thank me,” Ben smiles. “I’m getting profound in my old age, ain’t I?” 

Callum’s laugh is a beautiful sound, especially when it’s Ben who’s responsible for it. “You are an’ all. But less of the old, yeah? If you’re old then what does that make me?” 

“Absolutely perfect,” Ben replies, and Callum rolls his eyes even as the blush slides across his fac, turning the tips of his ears red. 

“Soppy git,” Callum whispers, and presses their lips together. 

“Yeah, but I’m your soppy git, ain’t I?” Ben grins. 

“‘Course you are,” Callum replies. “Now shut up and let me watch my movie in peace.” 

He does - in the end it’s Callum that falls asleep first, curled into him as Ben runs careful fingers through his hair. This battle with the past feels like one that the both of them will always have to face, but it feels easier, when they’ve got each other to hold. 

**Author's Note:**

> okay so i know i did the same thing as just about everyone for this prompt but like,,, i just couldn't resist lmao i love writing about the boys bein soft and talking about their past okAY!!!  
> anyways i hope you enjoyed this, comments and kudos mean the world to me and please, please go check out all the other wonderful works that are being created for callum highway week (an event that's being held over on tumblr) because theyre really amazing - lots of love to u!  
> leo (come find me on tumblr @bensdove) x


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